They Know What to Do—So Why Don’t They Do It?

Helping Children Learn to Plan, Problem-Solve, Cope, and Advocate for Themselves

One of the most frustrating things for parents is watching a child struggle with something they seem to already know how to do. Your child knows they are supposed to bring their homework home, ask the teacher when they are confused, speak up when they want something different from a friend, or use a coping strategy when they start to feel overwhelmed. You may have talked about these things many times, practiced them at home, and even seen your child do them successfully before.

Then the moment comes when the skill is actually needed, and it seems to disappear.

The homework stays at school. The teacher is busy, so your child walks away instead of asking again. A friend wants to play something different, and your child immediately goes along with it. A small problem becomes frustrating enough that it is suddenly hard to think through what to do next.

It is easy to look at these situations and think, But they know better. Often, they really do. The difficulty is that knowing a skill and being able to use it independently in the moment are not the same thing. When a child is rushed, distracted, uncertain, frustrated, or anxious, it can be much harder to access a strategy that seems obvious when everything is calm.

This is one of the reasons executive functioning support needs to go beyond reminders and organizational tools.

Checklists, planners, folders, and visual schedules can all be useful, but executive functioning is also involved in the dozens of small decisions children make throughout the day. A child has to recognize when they do not understand something, decide whether to keep trying or ask for help, notice when the first strategy is not working, and figure out what to do next. They may also need to recognize when they are becoming too overwhelmed to problem-solve effectively.

These are skills that can be taught.

One framework I use is Plan–Do–Review. It is intentionally simple. The idea is to help a child prepare for a situation before it happens, practice using the skill in the actual situation, and then look back afterward to figure out what worked and what might need to change next time.

Start Before the Problem Happens

Adults often end up teaching after the difficult moment is already over. A child forgets the homework, becomes overwhelmed during an assignment, or gives up their preference to a peer, and then we talk about what they should have done differently.

There is certainly value in reviewing what happened, but many children benefit even more when we prepare them ahead of time.

Take the child who regularly leaves school without everything they need. A reminder such as, “Make sure you bring your homework home” may not be enough. The child may fully understand the expectation and still not have a reliable way to carry it out.

Instead, we can help the child build an actual routine. Before dismissal, they might check what the homework is, gather the materials they need, look around the desk or cubby, pack the backpack, and do one final check before leaving.

That may sound simple, but there is an important difference between telling a child not to forget and teaching a child a system that makes forgetting less likely.

The same idea applies in many other situations. If a child tends to become overwhelmed when they do not know what to do, we can talk through that possibility before the task begins. If they tend to give in to friends, we can rehearse what it sounds like to state a preference. If they stop trying when an adult is busy, we can practice what to do when the first request for help does not immediately result in help.

The goal is not to predict every possible difficulty. It is to give the child a simple plan they can begin to recognize and use.

Then Give Them a Chance to Use It

Once a plan has been taught, the next step is practice in real life. This is often the hardest part for adults because our natural instinct is to help.

Imagine that a child asks the teacher for help and hears, “Give me one minute.” The child waits briefly and then walks away, still confused. It would be very easy for an adult to step in and say, “Go ask her again.”

That solves the immediate problem, but it does not necessarily teach the child what to do the next time.

Instead, the adult might say, “You still need help. What was your plan?”

Now the child has to think. Do I wait a little longer? Ask again? Ask someone else? Try another strategy first?

The same shift can happen in social situations. A child who tends to follow the group may need to learn that being flexible does not mean always giving up what they want. If two children want to do different things, the adult can help them think through the problem rather than simply telling one child to compromise.

“What do you want?”

“What does your friend want?”

“What could work for both of you?”

Over time, the child begins to learn that self-advocacy and cooperation can happen at the same time. They can state a preference, listen to someone else, and work toward a solution without automatically giving in.

Sometimes the First Step Is Getting Calm Enough to Think

Another important part of this process is helping children distinguish between a problem they do not know how to solve and a problem they cannot solve yet because they are too overwhelmed.

A child may know exactly what to do when they are calm but lose access to that strategy when they are frustrated or anxious. In those moments, more directions are not always helpful. Sometimes the first skill is simply recognizing, I need to get myself calm enough to think.

That does not require a dramatic break from the situation. Children can learn discreet coping strategies that can be used in the moment, such as box breathing, silently counting, pressing their feet into the floor, thinking about a favorite character or athlete, or using a brief phrase of positive self-talk.

Once they are calmer, the child can return to the original question: Do I know what to do now?

If the answer is yes, they can continue. If the answer is still no, that may be the point when they genuinely need help.

This distinction can be very powerful. It helps children understand that coping is not about escaping a difficult situation. It is a way to get themselves back to a place where problem solving is possible.

Persistence Is More Than “Keep Trying”

Children also need help learning what persistence actually looks like. We often tell children not to give up, but “keep trying” can be surprisingly vague. What should they do if Plan A does not work? Should they repeat it? Try something different? Wait? Ask again? Find someone else who can help? These decisions are part of problem-solving, and they can be taught directly.

A child who asks for help once and does not get an immediate response may assume the answer is no. Another child may continue asking the same question repeatedly without recognizing that the situation calls for a different approach. The goal is to help the child become more flexible in their thinking: That did not work. What is my next option? Over time, “Plan A did not work” can become less of a dead end and more of a cue to think about Plan B.

Looking Back Helps Build Independence

The review portion of the process is just as important as the planning. After a difficult situation, adults often either praise the child for doing well or explain what went wrong. What can get missed is the opportunity to help the child make sense of the experience for themselves. A short conversation can do a lot. What was your plan? What happened? What worked? Where did you get stuck? What might you do differently next time?

The child should have a chance to reflect first, with the adult adding observations afterward. This is how self-monitoring begins to develop. A child who depends on an adult to say, “You forgot your homework again,” is very different from a child who can eventually recognize, “I left before I checked my backpack. Tomorrow, I need to use my checklist.” That ability to notice what happened and adjust the plan is one of the most important outcomes of executive functioning work.

The Goal Is Not More Adult Reminders

This is also why parent coaching is such an important part of the process. Executive functioning skills are not used only during a therapy or teaching session. They show up while getting ready in the morning, packing for school, doing homework, playing with friends, handling disappointment, asking for help, and dealing with situations that do not go as expected.

Parents can learn how to support these moments without becoming the child's executive functioning system for them. That may mean previewing a situation before it happens, modeling what the skill looks like, practicing it when everyone is calm, and then allowing the child enough space to try. It may also mean learning when to prompt with a question rather than giving the answer. As the child becomes more successful, the adult can gradually step back.

If your child often knows what is expected but has difficulty carrying it out independently, individual executive function skill-building and parent coaching can focus on the specific situations where they get stuck and develop practical strategies that can be used across home, school, and everyday life.